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Dooley On Booker Washington
THE HUMORIST COMMENTS ON THE WHITE HOUSE DINNER.
[Copyrighted, 1901, by Robert Howard Russell.]

[1st column]
[Photograph of] P.F. Dunne ("MR. DOOLEY")
"What ails th' prisidint havin' a coon to
dinner at th' White House?" asked Mr.
Hennessy.
"He's a larned man," said Mr. Dooley.
"He's a coon," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Well, annyhow," said Mr Dooley, "it's
goin' to be th' roonation iv Prisidint Tiddy's
chances in th' South. Thousan's iv
men who wudden't have voted f'r him undher
anny circumstances has declared that
under no circumstances wud they now vote
f'r him. He's lost near ivry state in th'
South. Th' gran' ol' commonwealth iv
Texas has deserted th' banner iv th' raypublican
party an' Mississippi will cast her
unanimous counted vote again him. Onless
he can get support fr'm Matasachoosetts or
some other state where th' people don't
care annything about th' naygur excipt to
dislike him, he'll be beat sure.

I don't suppose he thought iv it whin he
ast me cultured but swarthy frind Booker
T. They'd been talkin' over th' race problem
an' th' Cubian war an' th' prospects
lv th' race an' th' Cubian war an' th' future
iv th' naygro an' th' Cubian war, an'
findin' Booker T. was inthrested in important
public subjects like th' Cubian war,
th' presidint ast him to come up to th'
White House an' ate dinner an' have a
good long talk about th' Cubian war. 'Ye'll
not be th' first Wash'nton that's et here. '
he says. 'Th' other was no rilitive, or at
laste,' says Booker T., 'he'd hardly own
me,' he says. 'He might,' says th' prisidint,
'if ye'd been in th' neighborhood iv
Mount Vernon in his time,' he says. 'Annyhow,'
he says, 'come up. I'm goin' to thry
[2nd column]
an experiment,' he says. 'I want to see
will all th' pitchers iv th' Prisidints befure
Lincoln fall out iv' th' frames whin ye
come in,' he says. An' Booker wint. So
wud I. So wud annywan. I'd go if I had
to black up.

"I didn't hear that th' guest done annything
wrong at th' table. Fr'm all I can
larn he hung his hat on th' rack an' used
proper discrimination between th' knife an'
th' fork an' ast f'r nawthin that had to be
sint out f'r. They was no mark on th'
tablecloth where his hands rested an' an
invintory iv th' spoons afther his departure
showed that he had used gintlemanly
resthraint. At th' con-clusion iv th' fistivities
he wint away, lavin' his ilusthrees
frind standin' on th' top of San Joon Hill
an' thought no more about it. Th' ghost
iv th' other Wash'n'ton didn't appear to
break a soop tureen over his head. P'raph
where George is he has to assocyate with
manny mimbers iv th' Booker branch on
terms iv akequality. I don't suppose they
have partitions up in th' other wurruld
like th' kind they have in th' cars down
South. They can't be anny Crow Hivin.
I wondher how they keep up race supreemacy.
Maybe they get on without it. Annyhow,
I wasn't worrid about Booker T. I
have me own share iv race prejudice, Hinnissy.
Ne'er a man an' brother has darkened
this threshold since I've had it or will
but th' whitewasher. But I don't mind
sayin' that I'd rather ate with a coon thin
have wan wait on me. I'd sooner he'd
handle his own food thin mine. F'r me, if
anny thumb must be in th' gravy, lave it
be white if ye please. But this wasn't my
dinner an' it wasn't my house an' I hardly
give it a thought.

"But it hit th' Sunny Southland. No
part iv th' counthry can be more gloomy
whin it thries thin th' Sunny Southland
an' this here ivint sint a thrill iv horror
through ivry newspaper fr'm Pattymack to
th' sugar belt.

"Fr'm time immemoryal,' says wan paper
I read, 'th' sacred rule at th' White
House has been, whin it comes to dinner,
please pass th' dark meat. It was a wise
rule an' founded on thrue principles. Th'
supreemacy iv th' white depinds on socyal
supeeryority an' socyal supeeryority depinds
on makin' the' coon ate in th' back
iv th' house. He raises our food f'r us,
cooks it, sets th' table an' briugs in th'
platter. We are liberal an' we make no
attimpt to supplant him with more intilligent
an' wage labor. We encourage his industhry
because we know that f'r a low
ordher iv intilligence, labor is th' on'y panacee.
It is no good f'r a thoughtful man.
We threet him right. He has plenty to do
an' nawthin' to bother him, an' if he isn't
satisfied he be hanged. We are slowly given'
him an' idjacation. Ivry year wan or
more naygurs is given a good idjacation an'
put on a northbound freight with a warnin'.
But when it comes to havin' him set
down at th' table with us, we dhraw th'
color line an' th' six-shooter. Th' black has
manny fine qualities. He is joyous, light
hearted an' aisily lynched. But as a fellow
bong vivant, not be anny means. We
have th' highest rayspict f'r Booker T.
Wash'nton. He's an idjacated coon. He is
said to undherstand Latin an' Greek. We
[3rd column]
do not know. But we know that to feed
him at th' White House was an insult to
ivry honest man an' fair woman in th'
Sunny Southland an' a blow at white supreemacy.
That must be avinged. Th' las'
enthrinchmint iv socyal supeeryority in th'
South is th' dinin' room an' there we will
defind it with our sacred honor. We will
not on'y defind our own dinin' room, but
ivry other man's, so that in time, if th'
Prisidin iv th' United States wants to ate
with a naygur, he'll have to put on a coat iv
burnt cork an' go to th' woodshed. Manetime,
we hear that th' white man in Alabama
that voted f'r Rosenfelt las' year has
come out ag'in' him. Th' tide has turned,'

"So there ye are. An' f'r the' life iv me,
I can't tell which is right. But I think th'
Prisidint's place is a good dale like mine.
I believe that manny an honest heart bates
beneath a plain vest, but I don't like a naygur.
Howiver, Hinnissy, if Fate, as Hogan
said, had condemned me to start in business
on th' Levee, I'd sarve th' black man
that put down th' money as quick as I wud
th' white. I feel I wudden't, but I know I
wud. But bein' that I'm up here in this
Cowcasyan neighborhood, I spurn th' dark
coin. They'se very luttle iv it annyhow, an'
if anny iv me proud customers was f'r to
see an unshackled slave lanin' again this
bar, it'd o hard with him an' with me. Me
frinds has no care f'r race supeeryority. A
raaly supeeryor race niver thinks iv that.
But black an' white don't mix, Hinnissy,
an' if it wint th' rounds that Dooley was
handin' out rayfrishmint to th' colored
popylation, I might as well change me license.
So be th' Prisident. They'se nawthin'
wrong in him havin' me friend Booker
T. up to dinner. That's a fine naygur
man an' if me an' th' Prisident was in a
private station, d'ye mind, we cud f'rget
th' color iv th' good man an' say, 'Booker
T. stretch ye'er legs in front if th' fire,
while I go to th' butcher's f'r a pound iv
pork chops.' But bein that I--an' th' Prisident
--is public sarvants an' manny iv our
customers has onrals'nable prejoodices, an'
afther all 'tis to thim I've got to look f'r
me support. I put me hand on his shouldher
an' says I: 'Me colored frind, I like
ye an' ye're idjacation shows ye'er a credit
to th' South that it don't desarve an' I
wud swear black was white f'r ye; but
swearin' it wudden't make it so an' I
know mos' iv me frinds thinks th' thirteenth
amindmint stops at th' dureshtep,
so if ye don't mind I'll ast ye to leap
through th' dure with ye'er hat an' whin
th' clock sthrikes sivin.' 'Tis not me that
speaks, Hinnissy, 'tis th' job. Dooley th'
plain citizen says, 'Come in, Rastus.'
Dooley's job says: 'If ye come, th' r-rest
will stay away.' An' I'd like to do something
f'r th' naygur, too."

"What wud ye do?" asked Mr. Hennessy,
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd take away
his right to vote an' his right to ate at th'
same table, an' his right to ride in th'
cars, an' even his sacred right to wurruk.
I'd take thim all away an' give him th'
on'y right he needs nowadays in th' South."
"What's that?"
"Th' right to live," said Mr. Dooley. "If
he cud start with that he might make
something iv himsilf."

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