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Letter no 16
Captain J. H. Massey No. 6 Palestinian Company. The Buffs Middle East Forces 30 Jan 41
My darling Barbara. Now that I have decided that sea mail is as quick, if not quicker than air mail, I really must write more often. It wasn't only that which held me back, of course it was mainly not having heard anything from you, & not knowing where you were - & just feeling too beastly miserable to write. But even so, the air- mail business did effect me, as I felt I had to write four sheets, which is eight pages, or I would be being wasteful. When I got your letter on Monday, & saw that it was written on Nov 25th & was your 13th letter - I felt rather ashamed at first, as I was just about to write my 15th letter, & it was January 28th. But the sea trip made such a difference to posting - & also, I have written 168 pages: I keep a note of my letters, so as to be able to number them correctly - & I also pop down the number of pages in each letter. I shall be furious, darling, if one any one of my long ones does not arrive. So, I hope you do not feel at all cross with me, or think that I am a bad correspondent, or that I have neglecting you. I have to change & go & have dinner now - & then after dinner - the Sergeants Mess are entertaining the officers - & I must go. But I hope to get away at about 10.0 - & I will finish this then.
What a hope! I have just returned from the Sergeants Mess Party - & it is 12-30 - I could not get away any earlier - I so will go on tomorrow. Goodnight, darling sweetheart. 31st Jan I sometimes wonder if you think I am a bit dotty, telling you that I am going to have dinner, or have a bath
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2. or do something else - & that I will finish after - & you are not going to get the letter for four, six, or eight weeks. But I always feel I have to tell you when I am going to break off for any length of time, because when I do continue again, I may be in a different sort of mood, & want to write about other things. And also, I think it gives me the feeling of not being quite so hopelessley far away. Its not having that effect tonight, I'm afraid, & I feel terribly lonely & away from , you darling. I'm sitting on my bed writing this. For the last two days I have had a table in my room - & I had just managed to get things nicely organised, with a blanket for a table cover, & some flowers on the table, & some beer in the cupboard - & today the table has just disappeared. So I am sitting on the bed, with my back up against the end, & looking at your photographs, & just longing & pining for you. Its a hard bed, & I'm extremely uncomfortable - & its so much easier & pleasanter, just to look at your photographs, then push out my legs, & shut my eyes & dream & think about you. Saturday, Feb 1st It was no use last night. I undressed & got into bed at half past ten, & slept like a log, & ignored everything until half past eight this morning - when I got up & came down to my company office, & had no breakfast. I felt pretty hungry in the middle of the morning, & went down to the shopping centre, & had some coffee & sandwiches in the Naafi, after which I went to a shop & had my photograph taken for they are like on Tuesday - I hope they will be decent enough to send to you. I intended to have it done before but an absolute brute in Egypt cut most of my hair off when I wasnt paying much attention - & I have had to wait for it to grow again. A chap at the I.B.D took a number of snaps - & then was sent off two days later - he pr0omised to send them on to me, but I have not heard so far.
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3. I had a letter from Frank Macaskie yesterday. You remember I told you he had come to see me off to Palestine - apparently he arrived back at the I.B.D in the early hours of the morning, & a complete daze, & was woken up shortly afterwards, & told that he was off to the Western Desert. It seems he very nearly missed the train. He says he is now living in an Italian dug - out, & being bitten to bits by fleas. He had a letter from his Mary, the very day he left - & has had two more since. He says they were a great relief & joy to him, but made him acutely & almost unbearably aware of how unhappy he is. That is what I like about ^Frank & why we get on so well together. He is such a grand fellow - & yet he is just as miserable as I am - & so we never had any false notions or expectations about enjoying ourselves, & never made the mistake of trying to do so. It saves so much trouble - & money too. Twice, here, I have gone into Tel-Aviv, once with Ben - Ami - & the other time with him & two other people. Everything is fantastically expensive - small whiskey 1/10 - beer 2/ & so on, & so each time I have spent about 30/ & been really painfully bord. This weekend the company is on leave - & my officers too, & they tried to persuade me to go with them; & so I Was just very firm & said I did not want to. And so here I am - quite alone, but reasonably content. I can do just what I want & when I want - & I shall spend hardly any money. Its far, far better now I know what I want & I shall be alright carrying on in this way, until we can live together again. Its not only the money, of course - it looks now as though we are going to be reasonably decently off - its that I get so foully bored & its all such a waste of good time, for that very reason. But I must say, I think of the money too. For example - when I met Charles Kidwell in Jerusalem - he said do let him know when I come again, & we would dine together. Well - I know what Charles is, & I know what Jerusalem is & I should spend about £2, & be hellishly
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4. bored - & miss a lot of sleep - when I could stay behind, & have quite enough booze for about 3/ , & read or write or both, & not be at all bored. I hope this won't give you the idea that I am going to spend my time doing nothing & seeing nothing. Because I hope & intend to see as much as I can. I just intend to cut out those silly, unnecessary, dull & rather expensive things. Because it will be so much better, if we can have some money to start with, when the war is finished & also because I get so annoyed with myself, when I waste time. You said in your letter, that it was one of your cherished ideas, to have some money for a fresh start. And I do agree - & so we cherish this idea together. You also said that you felt awful, because you had never had any money of your own, & now you had to ask me to help your Ma. You must not say that, darling. I never cared a hoot, whether you had any money of your own, or not even though I did blush when Mamie said you had - the only thing was that I wished you had some for your sake, as I had frittered away my portion on silly cars, that ghastly wheat. I'm the luckiest & most fortunate & blessed man in the world, to have you for his weife, & so money does not enter it, except that I wish I had been able to make more, or spend less, so that you could have had more of the things you wanted. In any case - when you came to live with you me, you sacrifced, for the time at least, your own interests, & whatever chane they had of making your own money for you. You must not be too thrifty, & stingy with yourself, my darling. And you must only consider what you want, & want to do - & not me at all. And about clothes, while I remember - if the things I sent you, arrive safely, & there is no duty, as I hope to goodness there was not - let me
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5. know - & I should love to get you more things myself - & they do have good things here, & pretty, & perhaps better than at home, & cheaper. I shall be cross if those things do not arrive - they were all rather pleasant, I do hope that, if Warren Fields has been left, you have made all the arrangements for having letters & parcels sent on to you. I know I have said this before - but you are such a one for not leaving your address.
I receieved your cable for my birthday today - , thankyou very much my sweetheart. It was simply lovely to have it, & to have your dearest love, & to know that you are always thinking of me. It made me feel very warm & thankful, darling & it will go on doing so untl Wednesday, which is Feb 5th & afterwards. I came into the Mess for tea, having been writing this in my office - the letter ^rack is straight in front as one comes in through the door, & I saw a cable sticking up out of my place. I made one dive for it - & found it was from my mother. It was very nice to have this, but I felt again as I did on Xmas Eve - that I an unlucky person, & oh why - couldn't it have been from you. After tea, I wanted a cigarette, & remembered that I had ten Gold Flake at the bottom of my compartment. So I went & pushed my hand down - & felt a strange piece of paper, which I pulled out - & my eyes nearly popped out of my head, when I saw it was another cable - & then I found it was from you. So now I feel that perhaps my luck is changing, & I am not so unlucky after all. I certainly feel much more full of hope, having had a letter & 2 cables in one week - & very hopeful of having more letters from you very soon. It does make such a difference, firstly to know you are safe & well - & also to be in touch with you & not to feel as completely cut off as I have done up to just recently.
I have been thinking so much about the baby, since I had your cable on the 22nd Jan. Some of your letters must contain all the news about this wonderful news, & how you feel & what your plans are - I do wish they would arrive. It is so
