Letter from Harry Massey to Barbara Massey

Letter No. 5. Wednesday - April 1st Friday - April 3rd Major J.H. Massey. 6, Palestinian Coy. The Buffs M.E.F.

My darling dearest Barbara -

I'm afraid I'm in a bad state of mind for writing. This is not for any particular reason because nothing has happened - it never does. But, the war news is so very depressing; I am feeling so hopelessly bogged down here; I have had no letter from you for more than two weeks - I had a [p.e.?] from you this week in which you were feeling pretty low & miserable. It seems that you had arranged to do part time munition work, that this had come to nothing because you had been able to make no arrangements about Maxie. I wish some more news would come along - I do so want to hear more about you, & why you went to Cambridge & how things are for you there.

There is just one constant piece of good news. thank God, & that is your usual reports about Max, that he is fine & getting stronger & more handsome every day. Bless him - he must be a wonderful little boy & an untold comfort & joy to you. I long to see him.

As you see, I made a pass to begin this letter on Wednesday, but it was of no use. It was the first day of Passover & I had promised to go & have dinner with Ben and his family; but in the afternoon I decided not to go. - I had been present at such a dinner in Haifa last year, & it only annoys & saddens me to see husbands & wives & children together. So I had settled down with the 1937 Royal Commission's Report on Palestine, which is a weighty & very interesting document of nearly 400 pages.

Last night I just sat & talked to Ben & Levantin, &

2. went to bed at 10-30 + read a short essay by Plutarch about Marcus Cato; this is contained in a book called The Knapsack, which was given to me by [Bastien?] + is an anthology of prose + verse edited by Herbert Read. I remember [Jon?] possessing an art book by him - is he an authority? - Because I have recently read a small book by him, called To Hell with Culture, which is one in a series called The Democratic Order + which struck me as being reasonably sensible, but pretty facile, an account of slipping over the surface of things, + not making one practical suggestion about how to bring about what he thinks to be the better state of affairs.

I think there is an awful amount of rubbish + dope being written just now, about after the war. I bought these books today, which will not be rubbish + which I hope to find interesting + hopeful. A Penguin by Beatrice Webb called My Apprenticeship; another Penguin by Josiah Wedgwood called The Economics of Inheritance - which I think is a highly important subject - it was well reviewed in the New Statesman + so stands to be good; + a small book, Russia + Ourselves by Victor Gallancz. But books are such an awful price here - 6d Penguins are 1-- + the Gallancz book at 2/0 in England, cost me 4/3. Sunday. April 5th. And now I must + will get on with this letter. I glanced at the Gallancz book yesterday, + finished up by settling down to it + finishing it off at midnight. It is quite good + sound, but does not contain any thing very new, + I found it mainly interesting as it expressed the views of another section of opinion. But before

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I immerse myself into more politics, I must catch up with such odd bits of news as I have to tell you. I told you in my last letter that I had had three late nights in a row. One of them was the R.A.F. dance - when I more or less complied with one resolution by coming away at 12.0 instead of at 1.0; but broke other by having to dance - it was pretty impossible not to. They had invited a crowd of nursing sisters from the local military hospitals, there they were all sitting round the room, the plainest looking bunch you could imagine. And they have precisely nothing to talk about - you try this & that & the other subject & they say yes & no & no more. But I met a couple of chaps from the Regt. & what with them & Ben & a very chripy little Greek Squadron Leader, we got through a good deal of free booze & had a fair evening.

On the following evening, Ben, & Katz & I went into Sarafand & had some drinks at the Naaf. until 12-o clock; not very exciting, but it was quite pleasant to sit up at a counter & chat & drink local brandy & ginger ale. And on the Sunday, Ben & I went ionto Tel Aviv & had dinner with Burstein & his wife at their house, & then went to the Palestine Orchestra - it was a lovely concert, including a Brahms symphony which I enjoyed very much. And, those are my three late nights, darling, not exactly wild debauchery but still quite an achievement for me nowadays.

This morning was a funny morning, & I think tomorrow will be a funnier day. Tomorrow being

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Jewish Soldiers Day - last year I led the march in Haifa, & tomorrow I am leading it in Tel Aviv! Last year, I had about 400 soldiers behind me - this year, I shall have 500 soldiers & 500 A.T.S. women. This morning I met all the platoon commanders 10 men & 10 women & explained to them what they will have to do - the girls were frightfully keen & took copious & furious notes & asked endless questions. Aftr tomorrow, I shall be able to tell you all about the march etc. And I hope I shall be able to make you laugh again - its time I did. I should imagine you have had a slight giggle already at the picture of me striding through the biggest town in Palestine at the back of a bloody great brass band & in front of 1000 Jews & Jewesses.

The weather is gorgeous, my darling - brilliant sunny days & pleasantly warm, & fresh breezes, & every thing is green & fresh. Spring is very much in the air & all around - & it is very much in my blood & in & about me too. It is painful, my sweetheart, & I wonder have you been feeling it too. You should have been, the amount & the way I have been thinking about you & the things I have been thinking about you - even if you were not reaching on your own account.

It is cruel & it is torture - & there is nothing at all to be done about it. My faithfulness to you is never for one moment in question, Barbara darling - for all the reasons which you know well, & which I have told you about before. And for the additional reason, that if ever I did spoil my record, I should never forgive myself, & should

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lose a very great deal of faith in myself. You are very much on a pedestal for me as you must know, & I like to think of myself up there with you - & if I were ever to do anything like this, I could never again think of myself as being your equal. But do not fear, my darling, because I have faith in myself, & I know quite certainly that I shall never fail you or myself. You mentioned selfish reasons - & they are additional reasons for me too. Our reunion is going to be the most wonderful thing which has ever happened to me, & I hope to either of us. And this can only be so if I come home [?] as I left home. The fact that we shall be unique has nothing at all to do with it. - I am equally certain that we shall be unique in our happiness - joy - love & passion. The only price I must ask you to pay my darling, for my chastity, is that from time to time I shall let off steam in my letters to you. And with that, I can give you the certain assurance that all & always, my thoughts & feelings of love & passion are specifically centered on you & your lovely body & sweetness, & are never in any way general & most certainly are never in any way about any other person. To make myself clear!! - what I mean to say is that from time to time I see & meet attractive women, who smell rather luscious & wear nice clothes & show legs & things - & the same happens to a lesser degree in photographs in magazines etc. And I must admit that I

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react, feel aroused. But always, my reaction is to think of you & long for you & feel tragically said that you are so completely out of my reach. I promise you that this is so (I wouldn't be telling you otherwise) - I do want you to believe me. And one of the most important reasons why, darling, is my pride & satisfaction that you are prettier & more attractive & lovely than anybody else; & so much more alive & intelligent, & alive to what is going on in the world today. And your expression & your manner are so perfect, my darling. And I am sure there is a bond between us, a strong one, but still very easily bruised or bent - & that bond is caused & has been built up by many things, a great & growing love for each other - a wonderful & still growing mental & physical knowledge of each other - our unusual love for Lisa & our suffering together on her account, & our everlasting memory of her, which is a very complementary feeling - & now our love for Marie who I have never seen. And also, there seems to be growing up a new link or strand in the bond, & that is our determination to try to play a useful part in the future wellbeing of our country & people.

I thank God that our feeling for eachother is warm & passionate, & we shall have a wonderful reward. But it makes life more difficult at the present time, even if the reward will amply repay us in the future.

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I must admit, that I find myself after waking, between feeling like a lump of deadwood, which is most of the time - & throbbing & thirsting with passion, when my mind pictures you & I & my body almost feels you & I together & making love, most gloriously, as only you & I know how to make love.

I must now tell you, that the official confirmation came today, of the failure of my second application. And so what began in optimisim, & continued in hope, & finished up in fear - has now been finally settled, & once again we are back where we began. Once again, my case was sent up by the Area Commander, & a different one too, & so there must be something in it. And it was turned down by a higher St. Q. I know well enough, as I have told you before, that this compassionate posting home is very much a matter of shipping space, & the vacancies are very few. And therefore, the correct & official attitude of mind which I should assume is that other people's cases are more urgent than ours. But, I cannot escape the feeling that influence plays a part, & also that preference is shown to those who have seen active service. I have already [?] you that I have failed again, & that I am persevering, but that the chances are very slender. And I'm afraid that is the truth & we must now look for the end of hte war. But, the letter

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running me down, which was circular to other people too, said that claims should be re-submitted for the next time, which I believe will be in three months. And so I shall resubmit mine, & make an effort to arrange an interview with the Area Commander & possible the General, in the meantime. But, I am afraid its not much use.

I wonder will you feel like having a crack at the War Office - & what luck you will have. I can imagine them saying "our Staff in the M.E. are the best judges of the care."

The last hope, & I have pretty much decided to use it now - is to throw caution to the winds & carry out a campaign of constructive & destructive [?], or through official channels - so that they will send me home if only to get rid of me; or else realise that I am worth promotion or else that promotion may keep me quiet. And in the latter case, of course, I continue, & either get further promotion - or else get sent home. At least, life may become more interesting. & I shall be helping the War.

I'll stop darling - & send this away in the morning. I really have a great deal about which to write you, & I must be more strong minded & settle down & write it - it is mostly about politics & economics & what you & I are going to do after the war.

All my love to you, angel sweetheart - & God bless & keep you well & safe - & Marie too, bless her little heart. Your own Harry. xxxx

[partial postmark] POST OFFICE

[written] [illegible]

Mrs Barbara Massey. c/o Mrs. Jenkins c/o Mrs Paul. 6 Bulstrode Gardens Lynwood. Maddingley Road Candlemas Lane. Cambridge Beaconsfield. Bucks.

[stamp] PASSED BY CENSOR No. 514

[page turned] JH Massey