Letter from Harry Massey to Barbara Massey

Letter No. 2. Wednesday. 11th March Major J. H. Massey 6. Palestinian Corp, the Buffs M.E.F.

My own sweet darling Barbara, I am really far from my best for writing to you. I was up at 6-30 this morning, & have been running about ever since. And having to think quite hard - & now it is 9-30 pm, I feel rather sleepy. But, as usual, I want to begin - so I will try. The trouble is that this time again, I feel very serious about various things - & I certainly do not feel equal to coping with such things tonight. So I will just push on & see what happens. I had your no. 82 today - 81 being missing - you were in a bad mood, poor darling, in the midst of bad weather & snow & Maxie with a cold, & another blank patch in my letters. I went to see the officer to the A.P.O. today, & he was grumbling too, as his wife had been suffering like you. He was inclined to agree with me that much valuable space in aircraft had been taken up with Generals & the like [cripping ? home for a few days Xmas leave. If this really is true, it is a bloody shame. And I feel that is is. I also had an AG from Parch - Eileen is having a baby in May - & he & Frank & Gordon are well & they all think of me & talk about me. It is [hell underlined] when you think that they are now in England still. I was within a few days of being transferred back to the 7th again. You asked me in a recent letter what my weight is - I have already replied to say I really did not know, but I am thinner. Well - I popped myself on some scales in the chemists the other day, & found that I was 12 st 12 lbs, which is about 12 lbs more than when I left England. I just did not believe this - & so found an accurate R.A.F. weighing machine, &

& I was still 12st 12lbs. It is amazing really, because I certainly appear to be thinner - & I have gone back a hole in my Sam Browne - & have had to have new holes put in my cloth belt. I suppose I really must be very fit & healthy, & I have put on bone & muscle & taken off fat. It was always the same with me when I was younger - in the summer, I used to get lighter, & then put on weight when I was playing football & was taking off fat. I shall have to try & have enough fresh air & exercise after the war. Are you doing your exercises, darling? You must do. We shall both need to be very strong & fit, in order to stand up to the desire which we will have for each other when we meet again. It is difficult to realise just how out of touch with each other we really are. Your letters which I am receiving now are still hoping that I may be posted home from my first application. And yet that is ancient history for me, & I am now anxiously awaiting the result of my 2nd application. I'm beginning to be afraid that the answer is now almost overdue - which means failure again. And so I am now working myself into that defencive frame of mind, in order to prepare myself for the eventual actual disappointment. You have been talking in your last letters about the inexorable, in human system, & how we are only small cogs in this vast machine. And I must agree. But I still cannot bring myself to believe that my only hope for return to you is the end of the war. What I shall do when the actual negative reply does arrive I do not know. But I cannot feel myself doing nothing. But I must wait for it - & then decide. Thank you darling one, very much, for my birthday parcel which arrived yesterday. Late - but safe. The Balzac I'm sure I shall enjoy. The socks will be v. useful,

& I [so underlined] much prefer socks knitted by you, both sentimentally & practically. And I love my hankie from Maxie - it was kind of him, considering he is so poor. I will let you know how I get on with Balzac. I have not read any before - is that dreadful? I am not reading much, I am always reading something, I have just finished "Childhood.Boyhood. & Youth", & which I enjoyed v. much. The end is rather abrupt - does he go on with his life in another book? I have read two v. interesting & enlightening small books by D.N. Pritt, K.C., M.P. - "Light on Moscow" - & "Russia, Our Ally." They both made me livid with rage at the dishonesty of our Government - & the latter is interesting on the subject of what is Socialism & Communism as applied by Russia. I also started "Russia" by Bernard Pares, but put it down because it seemed rather sentimental & shallow. But I have been asked by an intelligent man in the corp to carry on, as it gets over that phase. I also buy from time to time, the Penguin New Writing. Some of it seems quite good to me, but much of it rubbishy - & apparently thinking that outspokenness is an excuse for all other faults. I enclose a poem it may be v. dense & uneducated & backward. But I have read it several times & I still think that it is balls. I shall finish "Russia" now, as recommended & then go on with Balzac. As you say, my list is not conducive to an evening's reading - & I am kept fairly busy, & I do like to write to you & [?] & think about you. To bed, & so lonely. Kisses, Kisses, from Harry

Thursday - 12 Mar. I am going to waste my time tonight by going to see an Eusa concert at the station here. But I expect it will be quite amusing, & it does me good to relax in such a way. You told me in your letter that you were reading a book by Celine - & that after 300 pages, you had just about had enough. Now darling, I am inclined to think that it is doubtful if such books are worth reading at all or at any time - & I am sure that they are bad for you with so much sorrow not far behind you, & your present life not very happy or satisfactory. What I mean is - compare the pleasure which you obtained from Childhood, Boyhood, & Youth - with being nauseated, even in a gripping way, by a French modern, who will probably be forgotten in a few years time. It seems to me that you are needlessly punishing yourself. I remember you reading The Grapes of Wrath in the nursing home at Shipley. When I read it, I thought that it was brilliant & absorbing, but I marvelled at how you could go on reading it at that time. No body, no matter how strong their minds or intelligence, should read such books unless their minds are free troubles & tragedies. And I do not think that is a weak minded outlook. You are very much better read than most people, but there must be many of the accepted classics which you have not read, & which would be much more comforting, & even stimulating reading for you. You said recently that you could not settle down to read & understand & grasp the differences

between our political parties, & systems of Government & so on. And perhaps I would inform myself & then be in a position to make things very clear to you, when I come home. But I am not too well placed for doing this, though I am very much better informed than I used to be. Friday - March 13th The concert was pretty silly, but I rather enjoyed it. Tonight, I have had to attend a corp concert of a Jewish brass band, which was more bloody than I can possibly describe, & I feel awful. I think I will go to bed & read for 1/2 hour - & continue this tomorrow. XX Sunday - March 15th. I must get on with this letter now & finish it & post it in the morning. My last letter was March 9th & you will be accusing me of idleness. But it is really not that. It just seems more difficult to settle down at the moment. I am keyed up about packing house - & I have had rather a lot of extra work & reports to do - & I have been doing more talking to Ben & Kalk in the Mess than usual, as I am not yet accustomed to the loneliness of my room without Peter. I have just re-read on [p.u. ?] my advice to you on what you should read & it really sounds rather ignorant. Celine may easily be a master, for all I know, & survive for centuries. But I was just trying to say that such books are upsetting for you - whereas there are so many books which soothe & comfort, & stimulate too. Also, some of these brilliant moderns are so outspokenly sexy, & that must just unsettle you too, & only underline the dreadful repression of the present, the last 18 months. Ben tells me that a wonderful book to read is "By Fire & Sword" by Adam [ ?], a 19th century

Polish writer, & the Polish counterpart of Tolstoy. And another great writer is said to be Elhia [Ilya] Ehrenburg, a Russian Jew who was thrown out by Stalin, but is now an official Russian war correspondent. The other enclosure with this letter is the last paragraph of my reply to a questionnaire about "Current Affairs" & to which all C.O.s had to reply. I told you about these publications in a previous letter. I am quite certain that you will agree with what I have written here. But I expect I am only wasting my time, because the high ups will never read it, & if they do, will say "Balsly" & forget about it. Or perhaps I shall be watched now by the intelligence & security people to see if I am a subversive influence. But I must say that the scheme is very disappointing as it is working out. There is no sign of an attempt to face facts, or give assurances about war repetition of past mistakes & blunders, or to [ ?] every propaganda or to answer or satisfy criticism from our friends & allies. I feel tolerably certain that the idea has sprung from the example set by the Chinese & Russians - & that if Chiang-Kai-Shek or Stalin could see our efforts, they would think them pretty pitiful. Your p.c. of Feb 14th came yesterday & told me about my [B.C.& W. ?] allowance being cut to quarter instead of half - & further heavy blows from Gordon about the income tax. I think it is a bit of a dirty one on the part of the Assn, as I am the one & only manager who is serving - but they have been fairly decent about commission & banns, & we will be thankful for what we have had. When you look into it, the reduction from 1/2 to 1/4,

is not just as drastic as it seems to be on first sight. Instead of getting #320, we shall now have #160. As our total income is in excess of all the allowances, that part of it is subject to the standard rate of tax, which is 10 [% ?] in the #. So our actual reduction in hard cash is more in the region of #80. And I have been thinking what I can do to reduce my expenses & so make this reduction not mean so much to us. Firstly, I can save about 10f a week on cigarettes - up to now, I have been buying Players always, & never using my rations, which I give to Chaimalzcki. I shall now smoke the issue ones. And I always have a Gin & Vermouth before dinner, which means 7 a week - in future, I will have orange juice, which costs nothing & will be very much better for me. And, I shall stop by infrequent but expensive evenings in Tel-Aviv, which I never really enjoy anyway. So don't be downhearted, darling. We have already saved quite a bit for after the war, & we are still prosperous enough to go on saving a bit more. It is really very fortunate that we are both thrifty, & both look forward to having some money to start up with when I come home - both feel that money spent together is the only way of spending our money. If we were both a bit gay & extravagant, we should be in quite a mess. And if one of us was telling it fly a bit, somebody would be feeling a bit peeved with somebody. As for the income tax, I really am unable to work it out myself. I only have a few of the Bank sheets from you - & it is difficult to follow what deductions have been made at source. And I cannot tell

just when these commissions have arrived & which year they are in. The Army Pay office seem to take off #3-2-6 a month, which is not very much. I am quite sure that Gordon is watching everything for us - & one of these days I shall be able to check up. Cheer up, darling one - our total income is still #76 a month, of which #23 are allowances, & so free of tax. The income tax is a hell of a figure, but it has to be paid for this ruddy war. & so we just have to face it. Thank God I am a major - it would be a bit difficult otherwise. Your descriptions of stories about Max are awfully interesting & thrilling. I have quite overcome my first regrets about him not being a girl, & I am dying & [ ?] to see him, & I feel a great deal of love for him already. It is quite obvious that he is good looking & strong little chap, & that he is intelligent & interesting & has a sense of humour. You produce the most lovely babies, my darling - & then you have a wonderful gift & sense for bringing them up. As you said in a letter, Lisa's dear & sweet character was her own - but I still believe that your influence & feeling for her made it possible. And it will be the same with Max. I like to think that I am a greatly improved person in the last seven years, & that I am still improving. You are a wonderful mother, my sweetheart - & a glorious wife. You told me about your Vyella [Viyella] nightdresses, & wondered what my reaction would be. I think it is a jolly good idea. I know, from my pyjamas, that they make

a tremendous difference to one's warmth & comfort in bed. So you remember? - you bought mine for me in Chester, & how excited Lisa was about them - it was the very week she died, the little darling. Oh, if only we could have her back. As you have said, my angel, that is a pain which will never, never leave us. Vyella make very pretty printed materials - those Clydella nighties Lisa had, were sweet. And I can imagine you looking & being very sweet & alluring in just such nighties. You told me darling that your figure has hardly suffered at all - & it is lovely to hear that. And about the wrinkles on your tum, do not worry about those. I will give you some expert oil massages on your tum & we can see if we can send them away by such methods. Gradually we can - & if not, I shall get very passionate giving you the [ ?] - & so it will be worth it anyway. It is now the spring in Palestine, where March is said to be the best month. And it certainly is very lovely weather. The rains are just about over, though there will probably be a little more. The days are sunny & just warm - at night it is not cold. The sun is up at about 6-30, & sets at about the same time in the evening. The early mornings & evenings are simply lovely, & the sunrises & sunsets are glorious & splendid. The birds are very active, & especially in the moss in my room. A number have made the place their home - I think the

they would become completely tame, if allowed to do so - but they chatter so much, & shit over everything, & get in among the food - & so I spend my time shoving them & clapping my hands. The country is green now, & there is a smell of lemon & orange in the air. But in a few weeks time, it will all be brown & arid again. The English countryside must surely be unequalled anywhere - & how I long for it now - you & Maxie. I am getting so worried about this application of mine. Last time, the negative reply came [after underlined] the boat had sailed, - & now it is getting very near the time again. I must admit that I was hoping - our case seems to me so very strong. And I am beginning to feel that one needs influence, & I do not know where I can find it. If it is any comfort to you at all, my darling - you must please know that I long and pine for you all the time, for Maxie too. We have only to be together again to be perfectly & completely happy & content. We [have underlined] so much to look forward to. If only the machine would arrange to put the three of us down somewhere, together. A big kiss & squeeze to Maxie - & all my love to you from the bottom of my heart, & passionate loving adoring kisses & embraces. Your own Harry

BY AIR MAIL PAR AVION Mrs Barbara Massey c/o Mrs Jenkins 6 Bulstrode Gardens Maddingley Road Cambridge PASSED BY CENSOR 514