Maud Wood Park Papers (Woman's Rights Collection). Personal and Biographical. "Journal for the year 1880.". WRC-Pa, folder Pa-1. Schlesinger Library, Radcliffe Institute, Harvard University, Cambridge, Mass.

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and May told herself that she believed she would sell her soul that to be if that would be to [sacrifice?] [luck?] her assumed that her If a then happy again. She would not have gone to the dance if she had had any excuse for staying at home. The change from hope to the lack of it was very entire with her. She did not stop to think that they were no worse off in reality than they had been for some time. She was angry with herself for apparently defining happiness [as?] money but she excused herself as with the thought that it was not for herself but for her father. She could find enjoyment in many things that did not need money but his hard life had left him no time to learn to get pleasure [?] out of [any?] that [way?] He had been schooled to believe success in business meant success in life & she realized then bitter the thought ^must be that in spite of years of toil & drudgery he was to be a failure at last the [glaring?] now to be at the hall & May never [like?] a pattern than she did as she intend it that night. The excitement & a [date?] inclination sort to hide to it her troubles as long as possible gave unusual light & animation to her face. She had made up her mind to forget as much as she could & had a feeling that she didn't care much what she did. Mr. Saunders was not at the dance. Mabel told her that he had sprained his ankle & and didn't go out of the house much as he wanted to & that he wished Mabel to ask her if she would like to come up to their house the next day. It seems funny to ask you that Mabel said but of course you come to see me & [Jim?]

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is awfully lonesome & he likes to hear you talk so much. May was wearing some beautiful roses that [Jim?] had Monday Oct. 25 1880 sent her & this message gave her an [an?] feeling that there after all [form?] [me?] and it more than she had supposed. Her card I have decided to keep a journal. I went to was soon school this morning, we were dismissed at filled three o-clock She told herself that she would enjoy this one evening that she didn't care what she did or said. Both Ned & Harry danced with her more than once. Ned told her with brotherly frankness that she looked tip-top & Harry's eyes made gave the compliments that his tongue did not utter. Toward the last of the evening she had been waltzing with him & they stopped to rest a moment. One of the rooms ordinarily used for a cloak-room had been fitted up as a recept parlor & made very attractive with palms & flowers. There was no one in it as they went by the door & Harry proposed that they should go in. As May dropped her flowers just as she reached a chair & Harry stooped to pick them up. He had realized that there was some change in her that might he had been wondering what it was & at this moment the sense of having her to himself away from the noise & numbers outside overpowered him & made him oblivious of the rule of conduct he had laid down for himself. As he gave her the flowers he looked at her with more meaning in his't eyes than he himself knew & whispered heartlessly Won you give me one. She looked at him but her eyes fell beneath his. Then she slowly

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broke one rose from the bouquet & with a hurried [refinement?] touched it to her face & then held it out. She might have been simply trying its fragrance or she might have put it to her lips, she didn't raise What does it mean to be alone her eyes while he took the flower & kissed And how is any one afraid it passionately but she knew that he had done it. She knew too that he was binding [with?] her watching her & she felt that she must do something she tried to rise but in doing it she had to look at him. His face was an unspoken question. In his purpose she was uncertain which way to turn. She felt that she must go away & yet some unexpected force made it impossible. In a word he had taken his answer & his arms were about her. He kissed her on her lips & then she tried to push free herself. Not yet dearest darling he pleaded let me be happy for a minute longer she shook her head she couldn's speak & he though he would not let her go yet would not kiss her while she forbade him. My dear love he whispered make me happy just one moment. She felt like a person in a dream[?] but to exercise any power any stronger & again his lips touched her eyes her [nose?] even her throat This [t?e?] until she was found words to beg him to stop. Then he let her go instantly & watched her while she hid her face in her hands. Somebody else has discovered the retreat " It was Violet At this moment Violet Wilson breached also Good night! Good friends you are to me. Wilson who said this & May snatched her hands from her face in time to see Violet with her escort coming through the

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door. It was an awkward minute but Harry said with considerable presence of mind Yes we thought it an excellent Monday O retreat from a headache that has been troubling Miss Stone but we imagined it must be time for the next dance. Perhaps you can tell us. Oh the dance began some time ago said Mabel who had not relished the prospect of an interruption of her tete-a-tete. Then we must go said both May & Harry. Then may I see you Harry asked on their way out. Thursday at any time after four May replied & then neither spoke. How May [bathed?] herself as she thought that night of what had happened. She could not see why she had done as she had. Why she had given him the flower why she had let him kiss her. If she were had been in love [with?] him that would be an explanation for she had heard but she was not or she thought she was not. Since the night he had saved her life she had felt an interest in him that was perhaps more than the interest of gratitude but & she had realized that there was an indiscribable something in his manner about him not exactly in his manner that had aroused her curiosity. She liked him, they had much in common but she would not let herself think for an instant that it was more than that. Yet why had she knowing as she that if another man asked her to marry him she should do it. Why had she acted in that way? The next morning she found that her father had resolved to make another attempt to get the invention patented. May was wary of this for though she thought that it could only mean another period of suspense with another

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disappointment at the end. In the afternoon she went to the Saunders. She found ^Mabel & [Jim?] lying in the lounge (in the library very glad to see her but she imagined that he had a little air of possession of security that irritated her. He complained of finding it dreadfully dull & when she asked why he didn't read he replied that he didn't care for a thing except Gaboriau's works & he'd read all those. His resources were exhausted he'd played solitaire a dozen different ways & he'd worn the family out playing other games with him. He had tried to get Mabel to tell him about the dance but she was tired & cross & never [has?] any thing amusing [worth hearing?] anyway. May felt cross herself but she exerted all her powers to be lively & amusing & succeeded very well. [Jim?] was encouraged to show the best side of himself & felt much better for doing it. When she went away he told her that he would be willing to be laid up a month if she would come & talk to him every day. On her way home she wondered what she should do if she were [Jim's?] wife, she felt certain she would be lonesome sometimes but she told herself bravely that if she could make her father happy she would be willing to endure much more than a little lonesomeness. Still she could not help contrasting [Jim?] & Harry & though she would not admit it to herself she half thought that if Harry had [Jim's] worldly advantages there might be another [dimension?] to there indiscretion than the one to which she had made up her mind. She dreaded seeing Harry the next day she

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