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120 pounds or 5'9" and 120 pounds." I could wring his neck. I could cry. I could
throw something. I want to throw something. I want to...leave. And so I do. I
leave. I leave and my phone rings - damn it! Oh. It's Helen. Helllllleeeennnn.
Thank God it's Helllleeennn. I sigh. I pick up. She launches into good news
from Austin. I wait for a moment and tell her my ass didn't make the cut for the
hair show. She feels awful for me - as a best friend should. We decide to talk
later as I must race to a casting director workshop now so that I can meet
someone who might one day remember me, out of the thousands of people they
see everyday, for a walk-on role on a sitcom. Yeaaaaaaa, I am feeling
goooooood. Downtown LA leers down at me and I stop in my tracks - and flip
it the bird.

Ahhhhhh. that was nice. Now, off to the car.

I get to the casting director workshop. I act for her. She gives direction and I act
for her again. She thinks I'm great. She laughs. The whole damn class laughs.
This laughter I inhale. I leave feeling that the truth is, no matter how mean and
snide and spiteful and shallow and insecure and plastice and hopeful and melan-
choly and sunny and warm and drug induced LA is, I am right where I need to
be. This woman will remember me. I feel it. She will remember me and her client w
will hire me - to act. And I will. And at the end of the day, even after the end of
this day, that's all that matters. LA, bring it on - I dare ya.

Friday, February 9, 2001 PM
So I am at work today on this beautiful gray California day. It looked lik e
impending rain all day but no dice. Just cozy gray weather - weather that
makes you want to stand in the middle of the street and twirl around with your
head back and mouth open (letting the acid rain break up the mucus on your
vocal cords) then run in the house, change into your robe and curl up under the
covers with a good movie or book...and doze on and off...with a cat on your
lap...and a hot toddy. BUT no rain, just daydreams of rain. When I get home
tonight I shall drink Mint Juleps 'til I can't see straight, watch movies and eat
junk food...and probably talk on the phone to Helly.

Tomorrow night I have a date so tonight is "me" night and Mint Juleps have
been on my mind all day. Mint juleps, humid air, paper fnas on the front porch
behind full-length screens surrounding the house, housedresses and dusting
powder. Cigarettes and mint juleps. Laughter. Sweat wiped off with the back of
the fan-less hand. Southwest Louisiana any day of the year. Home. History. One
half of home, one half of history. Austin Texas fills the other half. And I guess I
can make some room in there for Southern California- "if I have to," I think with
a half smile and a warm heart.

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Geek Weekly #9